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Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010
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9:29 am - Seriously!?
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I have been trying to write this research proposal for one of my classes for over a week now... it is due tomorrow and at 2am this morning, I finally finished the overall outline and found a research question that will work. This really should not be this hard, but apparently it has cause some kind of mental collapse in my brain because I can't even get either of the introductions into words. This is not a research paper, those are easy. This is a research proposal... entirely different and in my opinion, way harder than any research paper ever could be.
I am completely at a loss. I have never had this much trouble getting words on paper - especially when I already have an outline to go off of. Everything has to follow this specific layout example and I can't even manage that at the moment. I got my period yesterday to boot, and when I tried to combat the horrible pain with tylonol, it literally shut down my entire system. I was up trying to write my paper this morning and I was using words from my linguistics class. Apparently I had reinvented the definitions in my mind to be criminology related. Not so good. Speaking of which, didn't do so hot on that linguistics unit test yesterday. Most definitely a fail, I'm thinking. So... where was I? Creativity at an ultimate low, brain dead, linguistics effectively botched, period pain, 3 tampons left in my possession, paper of death due tomorrow with nothing written down to its name. Oh! and I forgot to drink water for a few days so my pee is burning something nasty and I can't have any coffee to get me through this brain collapse. Can anyone say: "I am in hell"?
Will be so happy when this paper is over and done with. Too bad this is only the first draft.... FML.
current mood:  blank
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| Wednesday, May 28th, 2008
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2:54 am - Can't Take This...
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Last night I had a dream, tonight I'm avoiding sleep just so I won't have to dream... I don't think close my eyes and not see those terrible things; I can see them now... but at least while I'm awake I have some sort of control.
I dreamt of Emmy. She had died and I couldn't do anything with the body... I didn't want to bury it, cremate it, even remove it from the house. I put her in a box and I kept her at the end of my bed and every spare moment I would open the lid to look at her. She was decomposing... her feathers, flesh, eyes were all intact but there was this smell. The smell that only a dead body can produce and it was horrific. Near the end I was beginning to ask myself all of these questions... why I kept her there... why it was so important to keep some proof that she was alive and she had existed... why I couldn't let her go and I woke up..
I've had dreams of Emmy almost every night since she passed in December. Every time someone even mentions her name or a story or quirk about her... I get angry.. I get physically sick... and I can't stop myself from crying. I hate it when people mention her, it kills me every time they do a little more than it does when they don't. I've had so many dreams of her coming back and as ashamed as I am to admit it - I've thought about trying to bring her back - I honestly believe I could. It's a stupid idea, forbidden, and I doubt she would ever forgive me if I dragged her out from what ever happy place she's come to know, and she would never be the same, she would be different and unnatural... but the thought still came.
I can't cope. I've tried and I can't... the pain is so terrible that I wish it would just swallow me whole and take me to where ever she's surely waiting. How I want to believe that she's waiting, and how sad that makes me at the same time because she was waiting for me to come home when she died... and I never made it. She died scared and alone and it was my fault. I can't dream about her anymore, I don't want to dream about her anymore... I don't want to see her dead body one more time. My parents told me that we had to take apart her cage because we needed the room.. and mom said she would get me a box to put all of her things in. I told her that I would just move the cage to my room. I can't take it down, I can't pack away her life, I can't admit that she's never coming back, and I can't let anyone forget that she was here and she was mine and I was happier than I had ever been in my life, and I will never ever be that happy again. It hurts, it hurts more than I could ever describe.
Goddess or God... I don't care.. I want them to admit that they made a mistake. They made a horrible, irrepareable mistake and I'm the one that has to live with it, I'm the one that has to pay. I want them to know that she was mine and they had no right to take her from me. I want them to pay for what they've done, most of all I want them to take away the part of me that is so desperate for relevence... because I will never have that. No one, not one person in this entire universe has any inkling of just how much she meant to me and what a struggle it is just to find the will to go on without her there. I lost a child.. for those who can't comprehend that - I don't know how to make it any more realistic...
I'm closing off comments.. I don't want them because they can't do any good here. Sorry doesn't help the gaping hole where my heart used to be.
current music: None
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| Thursday, April 3rd, 2008
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7:43 pm
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Uh.... so I kinda got a couple crappy phone calls.. and then... I just didn't feel like it... so... ya see...
I did not do my laundry...
... I rhymed!
My laundry is crying...
'Chell is off limits?'
Ding Ding!
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| Monday, March 31st, 2008
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4:27 pm - What Is In A Name?
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You entered: Dallas Kimberly Mamen
There are 19 letters in your name.
Those 19 letters total to 73
There are 6 vowels and 13 consonants in your name.
current music: Roxette - Dangerous
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| Monday, February 25th, 2008
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10:23 pm
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*blinks* well thats just pissy. I will now be giving you all the update on Jimmy (aka the guy from POF)... apparantly he set up another account, e-mailed me today and asked if we were still on for friday and then proceeded by offering me a ticket to a modeling show he's doing that day.
eh...?
I dont' get it, but it appears that I'm looking for a house again... I'll call Lady D tomorrow, and Janus, and hopefully something will fall through. Here's hoping!
OH! Also, I got a job at Linens n' Things today - working night crew. Hoooray for meeee!
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